The Hacksaw
by bouncyjellies
Summary: Wrex, Tali, and Garrus meet the human feared by even the Arbiter. The Hacksaw. A humor/parody oneshot, give it a read.


Author's Note and Preface:There are a few things I want to say to you before you read this. First of all, I do not own Halo or Mass Effect. Secondly, this is not canon-related, and is a standalone oneshot. It is NOT CONNECTED to the Reclaimer Effect series. Third of all, this started off as a Mass Effect oneshot, but a moment of inspiration allowed me to fit in some Halo aspects. Therefore, it's a crossover. With that having been said...

Let's start!

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Three new aliens were aboard the UNSC _Normandy_, joining the hunt for the rogue Turian SPECTRE Saren Arterius. One was Urdnot Wrex, a Krogan bounty hunter who had seen more battles than most sentient beings. Another was Garrus Vakarian, a Turian detective who wanted to bring down Saren for 'honor' reasons. The last was Tali'Zorah nar whatsitcalled- a Quarian on pilgrimage who wanted to come along for the ride, who'll be henceforth be referred to as Tali. There.

_Sue me, her name is very freaking long,_ Commander Nathaniel Shepard thought absentmindedly as the four of them- the other humans had gone ahead earlier- stepped to the deck with the medical bay.

A small signpost was located right in front of the said medical bay, with the words 'THE LAIR OF THE DEMONIC HACKSAW LAYS BEHIND THIS DOOR' in clear, blocky black print.

"Hacksaw?" Vakarian asked curiously.

Shepard gravely nodded. "She's the scariest person onboard."

"A Spartan?" Wrex asked with a slight hint of excitement in his voice, possibly due to the 'maybe I can finally fight one to see if all those rumors were true' thoughts.

"No…" Shepard shook his head. "She's the chief medical officer."

Tali then asked the question everyone wanted to know the answer to. "How is a doctor the scariest person on this ship-"

"NO! Not the needles! Not the wretched needles!"

"THEL'VADAM, you get your saurian ass into this seat now!" came the ear-piercing shout of the UNSC _Normandy_'s Chief Medical Officer, Doctor Karin Chakwas.

Shepard winced in slight pain at that. Chakwas had gotten the nickname Hacksaw for a reason…

The shout reverberated throughout the deck despite the soundproofing of the Medical Bay. At that moment, the doors to the bay slid open, and out came running a squealing and panicking Sangheili Arbiter.

It would have a comical sight, really, were it not for the fact that this was the _Arbiter_, who stood alongside one of humanity's greatest heroes against the Flood.

And he was squealing…

Doctor Chakwas came barreling out of the Med Bay soon after, a gigantic razor-sharp needle syringe in one hand and an equally large and menacing jet injector in the other, her face showing exasperation and annoyance at the grunt-like Sangheili, who had by now disappeared from the deck.

She turned to Shepard, before a massive grin came onto her face.

Standing behind Shepard was a motley collection of Citadel and non-affiliated races, all of whom were not looking forward to their 'medical inspection.'

"Perfect timing, Commander!" she applauded him as the jet injector was slung on her back, before that same hand that had held the injector wrenched the massive Krogan bounty hunter from behind Shepard, dragging him to the med bay.

An ominous silence reigned once the med bay doors closed.

"Why do I feel that Wrex is going to fear doctors after this?" muttered Shepard as the rest of his retinue stared agape in horror at the Med Bay door.

…

"NO! Not the needles, not the needles!" the massive bulk of Urdnot Wrex scampered out of the med bay, running to join the previous runner, fear prevalent in his eyes.

Chakwas then turned to Shepard again, shrugging. "Apparently he's afraid of pointy things as well."

Her eyes darted to the few pitiful prospective alien crewmembers, a manic gleam in her eyes. "Who's next?"

The panicked flanged shouts of a Turian detective and the horrified and vehement cursing of a Quarian pilgrim told Shepard all that he needed to know.

They would probably be scarred for life, thanks to the Hacksaw, the scariest human in the employ of the UNSC, and the cause of nightmares to the Arbiter.

Shepard shrugged. The signs were there, and he had warned them…

**END**

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Another AN: On a totally unrelated side note, I think that Sangheili were in fact afraid of doctors, but that might not be canon.

Oh, and for those waiting for the Reclaimer Effect: First Contact to be posted, be patient. It'll be up soon...and review this if you want to.

bouncyjellies (I really do need to think of a better name) out!


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